🤰The story continues.. A year ago today🤰
I got a called from the doctor office, asking me to reschedule my c section, and a year ago today, as much as I didn’t want too, I felt defeated, I was sore, past my due date, and I had to let go of my natural birth dream.
Sure I said, I will take an all inclusive stay, the lady responded, well this is not a vacation, but a major surgery, I tried to make the positive and said , yeah but I’ll be getting a room? free food? and good drugs? that’s an all inclusive stay for me!
She laughed, and June 26th, 11:00 am, I was going to have my baby. I cried... I cried a lot.
I felt like I had lost a battle I had been fighting for months, why? why me? Why couldn’t my body go into labour naturally.. I was going to be alone to recover, how could we financially afford Chris to stay home for longer than one week without using credit.. My mind was spinning, my gut was hurting.
My grand ma was supposed to help us, but a week before she was coming over to be here with us, my grand pa was diagnosed with cancer, he was awaiting surgery, she couldn’t come, but how was I gonna recover without her?
My first c section I need 4 blood transfer, we were in the hospital for 5 days, how could I go this long without my oldest daughter, who would take care of her? How would she feel having mom gone for so long? How would she understand? How could this be possible? I couldn’t wrap my head around anything, I couldn’t manage anything. I had to find care for my girl, but I couldn’t get myself too call anyone.
I cried myself to bed that night, I remember going to bed early and saying, It’s okay, I can live around this, no I can’t, this is not fair, this is not my plan, I can’t get them to cut me open, to have my baby, I can’t do this. I yelled, I blamed everyone around me, I regretted getting pregnant again, I was a mess... But I finally felt asleep telling myself tomorrow would be my last day as a mom of 1 and I had to make the best of it...
The rest will continue tomorrow..
Tonight, I am nursing my 11 month old to sleep, cuddling her, loving her, but also reminding myself of the journey we have went through this last year. The unbelievabl