I found you when I was looking for someone. As obvious as it sounds, it is not so simple. Look at it this way, I was a girl looking for love, but more than that I was a girl who believed that it only happens once. And then I found you, with a sly smile and eyes that could make your knees tremble. You were my first everything, and I had hoped that you will be the last. Have I told you before how bad I am at letting go?
So, when the first time you let me sleep sad after a fight, I didn't let it bother me. The first time you made me cry and your arms didn't pull me in, I pretended it didn't matter. The first time you shouted at me, I closed my eyes so tight pretending that it could block out the noise, too. The first time you casually flirted with that girl at the bar, I drank myself unconscious that night. The first time you let me cry myself to sleep, I didn't wake up till late in the noon. I often wonder why'd I still hold on to you? Maybe because there were a lot of other firsts too. The first time you said 'I love you' and I cried, because no one had said that to me before. The first time you held my hand and I felt your warmth long after you had let go. The first time we hugged and I could feel your heartbeat against mine. The first time we kissed and the first time you said "you couldn't live without me"
Maybe, we all have good 'firsts' and bad 'firsts'. And maybe letting go is about the bad ones and holding on is about the good ones. You were my both, you were, I thought, the love they say you only find once. I gave away all the chances, and some more to keep you for the good memories, because losing you would mean losing my only chance at love. I held on to you so tight, so long that when I let go, I was left with only the bad ones; the breaking, the crying, the never trusting again.
I gave you so many chances because I thought you were my only chance at love. Turns out I was wrong, turns out the firsts don't mean the last for everyone. You will know too, when you meet someone who makes another chance at love even better than the first. — firsts // disha