i dislike concealing my transness. it is something so integral to my sense of identity and community that in places of relative safety i actively dislike people not being aware.
i am now in the privileged place that people don't know upon first meeting me and since that started it has become increasingly important to me that i remain visible. i used to hate it. i once sat in a doctor's office and told them i didn't want to be trans. i didn't want people to know i was trans; i wanted to go straight from being recognised female into recognised male. i didn't want to acknowledge the grey areas of gender and i did not wANT TO BE TRANS.
so i'm comfortable with that now. and i don't want anyone else to feel uncomfortable with their trans status, so if it makes cis people uncomfortable or if they think i mention it too much... fuck it. i spent too much time not wanting it to be there.
two years on hrt. i remember saying at one year that i didn't really feel that much had changed but i was happy with what had. which wasn't untrue, but there was an element of persuading myself and putting my best thoughts out there. i was still putting up a lot more of a front than i am today.
i don't know if it's testosterone, if it was surgery, just getting another year older or/and positive influences around me, but i feel more free day-to-day to be myself than i have in an exceedingly long time (we're talking since i was an actual kid). even when i am feeling crap and annoying and paranoid, i'm more able than i used to be to own up to that and ask for help. and that makes things that scare me a lot less terrifying.
and on a more upbeat note, i am sillier, louder, camper and refuse to be ashamed for any of those things. oh and hairier.
UPDATE: i continue to have cute cheeks. very pre-hrt, immediately pre-hrt, just shy of 1 year and just shy of 2 years.
side note, just realised that was directly before i got sick last year because you can see in my one year pics i had gotten really gaunt. so it's probably a more accurate comparison than my actual year ones.
after going to an absolutely perfect celebration of my old tutor's life this afternoon, i took @adecurrie (well, he drove, but i directed) on a wee tour of the ochil hillfoots. poor guy even survived my grandparents in tilly... sometimes you just need a wander with a pal to clear out some of the cobwebs. and appropriate a tshirt.
good climb times with @rebecca.coull and m after a looooooooooooong morning at work. very much needed! (many cake has also been eaten; climbing centre knows their audience...). m did far too well for a first timer, particularly a first timer claiming not to be confident!
just had my final check in with the surgeon. finally met miss dabritz but i'm a bit gutted kate wasn't here for me to thank before i go off and live my life. but more glad to have seen the back of nmgh
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no issues, my weird white lump is just scar tissue that built up around a suture and should fade down over the years.
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this guy just got a date too which is muchos exciting.
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second (and second last ) day in dublin with this wee babe. spent most of the day tourist trapping, guiness-bashing (despite the pictured, gents is not a fan and i dinnae drink) and bus navigating before heading out to pantibar for a wee drink, some random place with rubbish crepes to satisfy a craving before going on to the george so i could break out my dad-dancing. bumped into the very lovely @thomasvc, wonders of social media and community, doesn't matter where you go... if you find a rainbow bar you can find someone you recognise!
so i realised i'm six months post-op from my top surgery today. some reflections:
i know, at six months, i don't have the neatest results out there. i'm very red (normal for me with scarring regardless of treatment, i'm a slow healer), the side that picked up the infection is stretched and uneven, the side that's okay has a random suture(?) that never dissolved and has left a white lump on my scar. when my nips are soft one is round and the other is oval. but it's closed/healed, i'm mobile, i can wear what i like and only worry about hips. and most days i even like the issues, they tell my story.
i put together some "firsts" that i remember being important to me as they happened. they might seems small and silly but i had top surgery because i couldn't not bind anymore and it was physically and emotionally painful living day-to-day for me. i had developed back problems (that are going to continue for sometime yet) that impacted on everything from exercise to sleep, i always saw my binder regardless of what i wore and my mind told me everyone else did too, i couldn't work long days which had a sorely negative effect on my working hours. so sometimes since surgery an everyday thing gets done and it feels ducking fantastic. so here's to those little silly moments.