Darlings, I'm still getting into 2019 so bear with me. I'm actually just coming up for air, after having Kika up the past few nights with a cold. Last night was the height of it all. It got me thinking about me & life as I held her through it though. In the same way she struggled to settle because her breathing was impeded, I realised I do that too. And there life is cradling me, rocking me, trying to calm me, to remind me I can breathe in other ways if I just stop fighting but it's hard to see that sometimes, to feel it, because I'm so used to the one way that I'm familiar with, that has got blocked all of a sudden. The days are hard right now. Some lovely things in all of them & I feel awake & generally happy but still that feeling of "I'm not sure I can do all this" hangs in the background. This year I have less time, less help, the same/more workload, the same business issues, more demands on me, more responsibilities, more to juggle. January always has had something hard about it. I think it's just the downer after all the rest, the intimacy, the Christmas hibernating, the hope-scented new year excitement. But I'm looking forwards & the mountains seem so tall & I naturally sigh at the sight of them, with that old familiar wondering as to whether there will come a time in my life where I don't feel pushed, pulled, stretched beyond belief. Wondering if there will ever come a season of serious & simple flow. Like when you've reached that mountain peak & you just run down because gravity has got your back. It feels like I have been going uphill in all things practical for years now. But even as I toss & turn in the arms of life, feeling blocked here & there, there's this vague but ever present assurance that I can rest, that I can let go, that I can breathe & fall deep into my growth & blossoming if I just stop resisting & hanging onto how I wanted these days to go. This is how we learn to surf the waves that come. We let them guide us, rather than see them as something that want to fight us. I survived 2018 pretty well with some beautiful blessings in hand. But it's time to learn to surf now. There's more fun in surfing than there is in surviving & I want fun.