Erin Gilmore@erintron

Yoga teacher. Your friend.
Here for you + for the me too's. Sharing recovery from depression + eating disorders. Weekly playlists on @Spotify

Yesterday, I showed up to @annahughesyoga's 9am class with a specific goal in mind. I was all ready to dedicate my practice to someone I feel resentment toward, hoping my efforts would soften my heart and I'd finally find the compassion I need to release them.
As we got into our first down dog, Anna came over and did a deep adjustment on me. It's one where her heart lays on my back and her body weight gently increases the stretch. For me, it feels glorious and also deeply intimate. Her touch felt so loving and overwhelmingly NEEDED. Instantly, I heard the word "TENDERNESS!!!!!" announcing itself loudly, over and over inside my head. Tears poured from my eyes onto the mat.
Tenderness.
I need mother.fucking.tenderness. And I haven't been getting itโ€”least of all from myself. My initial intention faded away and my heart beat to that word for the rest class.
Tenderness.
Tenderness.
Ten.der.ness.
I need it. I want it.
So I've gotta try and be it.
Try a little tenderness.
{ Practice with me 6:15pm tonight @yogaflowsf or tomorrow morning 6am + 9am. }
๐ŸŽถLife Goes Down - Ang Low
#yoga
#yogavideo
#dancevideo
#eringilmoreyogasequence
#tryalittletenderness


39

Just stopping by to say I still have nothing inspiring to say and only feel my eyes rolling into the back of my head when I'm on here lately! (it's not you, it's me.) But what I do like, love even, is this beautiful boy, and it was his birthday last weekend (38! whaaaattt!) HAPPY BIRTHDAY @greggandy!! ๐ŸŽ‰
To my beloved SF FRIENDS: He has a gallery opening coming up next week that he's been working his sweet, sweet ass off in preparation for. We would both be psyched to see you next SUNDAY JUNE 17th @studiogallerysf (on Pacific b/n Polk and Van Ness) 4pm-6pm. You can check out his work on his IG but that will never do them justice. It's something you gotta see in person...And since I know you're someone who supports artists in reality and not just in theory, I will see you there! ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ˜˜ (๐Ÿ“ท by @zharkovweddings)


34

This week in class, I shared with you notes I took while listening to my favorite therapist (I'm sure you all have a favorite therapist, too) Dr. Peter Levine. He's the "trauma therapist". Fun! I first learned about him in my @fireflyyogainternational yoga for trauma training. We talked about the idea of "titration" and I've loved that notion ever since. Read on if you're into that sort of thing or just admire this beautiful photo collage my brother made out of some photos we took together a few years ago in LA. I love you @gilmoredan.
The notes:
Titration
Borrowed *part of* the idea from chemistry
Drop by drop combining of two intense energies to slowly transform them rather than a quick, haphazard combination and resulting explosion.
We use this idea of tapping into sensation slowly and safely in yoga. Go to an edge, look at it, live there, back off.
DR. LEVINES WORDS:
"Finding a way to touch into bodily experience in a way that was safe and that each time gave the person more of an island of safety, more of a sense that they had the capacity to defend themselves and to deal with these sensations so that they became less and less frightening. And sort of like, if you look at it this way, okay, (makes a fist) and as you loosen it slowly (opening his palm, beat by beat) then, whereโ€™s the trauma? (Palm is open, trauma has been let go).
And thats what Iโ€™ve been learning with my clients, if we could just touch and learn to befriend our body sensations, that was the key, BEFRIENDING our bodily sensations, then that let us develop this capacity of resilience, of confidence, and really even of joy. What I discovered, was that they would experience as a side effect, tremendous joy and peace. Because by liberating that energy and being able to live that energy, this is a tremendous gift.
In yoga, kundalini, we release this latent energy, and are able to transform it into potent ways. Use their trauma as strength. Redirect what was trapped. Surge of energy that we learn to touch to. Let it through our whole body experience, we come home to ourselves in a more complete way."


30

I'm still slowly going through the comments from a week ago because I haven't felt like being on here all that much. But I must say, I am moved by your thorough and thoughtful shares. It can be really weird pouring all my business out on here. My family follows me (though they know most of my business), my friends (old and new), my boyfriend, his friends, acquaintances, students, people I work for...Sometimes it can feel like, oh no, THEY THINK IM TOTALLY NUTS, when I see someone in person and I perceive a weird vibe. But you met me with nothing but love, understanding, support, and your own vulnerability in return. That's huge. Thanks for being the good side of the internet. (And if you've sent me a DM in the last few weeks and I haven't responded, I'm not ignoring you. I haven't opened the requests folder in a month. Or so.)
I've been sharing this quote in class since I got back from my family and I want to leave it here, too. @glennondoyle wisdom:
"Iโ€™m trying to fix my pain with certainty, as if Iโ€™m one right choice away from relief. Iโ€™m stuck in anxiety quicksand: The harder I try to climb my way out, the lower I sink. The only way to survive is to make no sudden movements, to get comfortable with discomfort, and to find peace without answers."
I'll be here in child's pose if you need me.


21

Initially, when I was 15 and diagnosed with ADHD, I was happy that there was a reason I was different than my brothers. A reason I felt "stupid" and scattered all the time. But once the treatment, Adderall, came onto the scene everything changed. I decided ADHD wasn't real and that it was just a gimmick to sell pills โ€” pills I was (and am) deeply in love with. Pills that helped me destroy myself and fuel my eating disorder. Pills that ultimately buried the original problem under new, seemingly much bigger problems.
_
Last week, while laying alone in a ball on my couch, in the middle of the day, I decided to google a few different mental disorders. As one does. I was feeling desperate to know WHY this raw nerve/deep sadness was back and since I don't trust doctors all that much, I thought I'd just diagnose myself with a little help from the google machine. I looked at bipolar and that didn't seem to fit me. A few others also didn't fit the bill. And then it dawned on me, I was actually diagnosed at one point. I googled how ADHD appears in adult women and it was like, oooh I know her. She is me.
_
The primary recommended treatment is still Adderall. But that pill can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned. I looked up natural remedies for ADHD and wouldn't ya know, it's pretty common sense, self-care stuff. Since my minor weight gain, I've been semi-subconsciously living off coffee. And toast. And that's about it! The internet recommended I not do this. I'd also completely lost my practice. And was choosing numbing heavily over staying in my body and feeling.
_
In the last 5 days I've done yoga four times. Eaten meals when most people eat meals. And drank water instead of mainlining coffee. The result? I'm feeling steadier. Go figure.
_
Maybe ADHD is bullshit? But maybe it's not, and it could give me quality insights into how to help myself. Have any of you had experience with naturally treating ADHD? Have you found it helpful? Real? Would love to hear any experiences you've had. (And I am going to go to a professional. I do not in fact think google is a reliable doctor. I just prefer to check there and here first.)


125

(Trying this one again!)...
One brother hugged me goodbye as I sobbed into his chest and told me it will be okay. And to be gentle with myself.
The other brother hugged me goodbye as I sobbed into his chest and told me it would be okay and to use it. Channel my anxiety and don't waste days.
And the sister hugged me as I sobbed into her neck and told me it will be okay. And that she will bring me back to them at any moment, I just have to say the word.
_
I am so fucking lucky. I love my them so much it hurts. I am so proud to be theirs. Though I'm deeply sad to be leaving them, I feel clearer on what has to happen. I am so goddamn lucky. It will be okay. Deep breaths. And action steps. See you tomorrow SF.
_
Thank you for loving me like you do. I'd be lost without you. @gilmoredan @c.b.gilmore
_
(And thank you @kimothyjoy and Sylvia Plath for your art.)
(((Decided to repost it because I accidentally hid it. Soo, if you already liked it, just go ahead and tap that heart again! Great. Thanks.)))


21

My gorgeous, happy niece through the lens of my gorgeous, talented brother. Feeling more myself by the minute. @gilmoredan โค๏ธ
#familyheals


12

I just made myself go to a yoga class instead of hitting an "easy button" (as Glennon calls them). I fucking hated that class but at least I tried doing something. At least I didn't numb out, which is definitely what I wanted to do. I can change. Even if I don't always like it. Even if I fucking hate it. #icanchange #stayinyourbody #stayonyourmat (Thank you @LCDSoundsystem for making this song and thank you @busyphilipps for singing to it and making this content.)


18

I'm about to take off for my flight to D.C. to see my brothers, sister-in-law, and the babies. The timing of this trip really couldn't have been better. I'm feeling off, like way off, (lol pretty sure I said I felt an emotional shift to levity like a week ago) and could really use time with my family to help me come back to myself. Sorry I'll miss you in class this weekend. But I'll be back to public classes next Wednesday and hopefully out of this hypersensitive sad state. ๐Ÿ˜˜ Until then, take deep breaths, stay with bodily sensations, ask for help, and take care of yourself!!! I will be doing the same. Xo


52

I'll wait. ๐Ÿ’…๐Ÿผ Art by @florencegiven


33

This morning I asked you to use your body to tell the truth.
We listened to body + read present time energy.
We used that knowledge to identify a highest purpose for the hour.
We committed to creating BOUNDARIES that kept you close to your purpose. Say yes and meant it. Say no and meant it.
At the end of practice I shared a quote that feels like the truth to me. โ€œYou are not supposed to be happy all the time. Life hurts and it's hard. Not because you're doing it wrong, but because it hurts for everybody. Don't avoid the pain. You need it. It's meant for you. Be still with it, let it come, let it go, let it leave you wtih the fuel you'll burn to get your work done on this earth.โ€โ€• Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior
_
It was a good morning. ๐Ÿค—
#doingthings in high quality clothes made by @outdoorvoices ๐ŸŽถLay Your Cards Out Remix by Policia on a #currentmood from a few weeks ago! New one is linked in my stories.
#ovofficial
#yoga
#yogadance
#dance
#yogavideo
#align
#highestpurpose
#beinharmonywiththepresentmoment
#eringilmoreyogasequence


25

I shared a quote from @chaninicholas on Sunday night + Monday morning that went a little somethin' like this:
_ "You're not supposed to stay the same. Your relationships aren't supposed to stay the same. Your needs aren't supposed to stay the same. Your desires aren't supposed to stay the same. As you heal, your relationship to everything changes. Don't worry if you are unrecognizable."
_
And because I tell myself this, it felt right to add: "You're not a fraud. You're a person figuring shit out."
The combo hit home with a lot of you in class, so I'll leave it here too, for you or anyone you know struggling with fearful feelings. You're allowed to change without justification. And the people in your life, they're allowed to change too. We're all allowed. Yay. ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿผ
(#doingthings in high quality @outdoorvoices)


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