I could lie and tell you everything is fine. That I'm more happier than I was when we first met. Is it a lie to give you comfort when I'm feeling discomfort? I can no longer give you your cloud nine that you so graciously sit in. To tell you the truth, I don't know when I began this plummet to earth. The summit you wish for both of us is only your dream. My dream is to not be tied to anyone else's like an anchor dragging me down to the depths of your tranquility. I want to feel the sun on my face even when my plan to live is day by day. I'll close this picket fence around your perfect palace you desire so much. Call me whatever names you desire in the moment of your fury. When the quite of the night qualms your beating heart, know that I already forgive you. I'm just a bridge for you to cross, to show you what lies beneath is where you cannot fathom to reside in. I'm the one you want but the one you don't need. Step away from me now, you say it can be fixed. Yet, I do not need fixing if I'm not broken even if it seems so in your eyes. So I'll stand here and take your lecture, your tears masked with hope in vain. Sometimes doing nothing is better for me. Even if that nothing will cost me everything I ever loved
Don't stop me from going to sleep. I've learned that being awake is the source of grief. I want to wake up again yet I don't want to be conscious now. I can't explain to you that I want to float to a better time. Please don't gloat that life is beautiful. 'm stuck on thorns and until I get past them, I won't see what you see. I release you so you are able to find someone that can give you what you tried to give to me. Let my dreams grab a hold of me that in some way maybe I can break out of this. I want to ask you to wait but my hair might be colored with grey when I'm ready. A lifetime of waiting is not written on your palm. I can't let your light extinguish the same way mine has. I'll send a smile to the stars above as they will not fail me to find you and send you a shooting star. Thank you for holding me when I didn't deserved to be held. I belong somewhere that I can't take you along and you might beg to be at my side. I beg you to let go and if you do, I promise that even my prayers will guide you to someone that you don't have to beg. You'll just exist like you were always meant to be. I'm sorry for the memories of me that might stain your smile just a bit. Let me be selfish one more time and ask that your smile to carry me wherever you go, to whoever is enamored with your luminous invitation to joy
I was a dream long before I became the past. We were young as though our eyes just opened to the colors of the world for the first time. Pinnacles that we were supported to reach were nothing but a illusion. Mistake that you were my other half of wings , I believed I could leave this nest that was made to be grave as well as my home. You broke off of me catapaulting me back towards normality where the new version of me was forced to live my old life again. I tried to out drive the embrace of pain you gifted me, sometimes while even closing my eyes. One wrong turn tied me to a forever monument down this treachery ravine where even the animals refuse to enter. Lying here, I hope in some form you come back to me even in my transparent , still fragile form
Say have you heard your favorite voice yesterday? The one that doesn't tell you everything will be okay but just be listening to them, you return to stable ground? I haven't heard anything and it breaks me into a fractured jester that leans on the laugh of others to mask his pulsating wound. The king you crowned is no longer a part of his own kingdom. Royalty has no business to sit on a throne covered in the ghosts of yesterday. I'm in search of nothing. A place that can make me feel at peace without this overburden of longing for things that do not exist in this world anymore. Even heavens reject my plea to join as every swipe of the reaper's scythe misses me as though some sort of divine comedy. My fottsteps has halted me even when your voice peirces through me. I believe every word you speak to me yet they are not for me anymore. they are spoken to me. As your late night whispers are for your new king that refuses to follow my ruin. Run along, as far as you can for this soul of mine must wander these lands until heaven has no choice but to accept me
Two sides constantly tear me in different directions as if my halves would have been able to compete with their ideals. Is it so black and white that I must be slathered in paint by one or the other? This desaturated heart refuses to be invaded by a set of thinking uncompromising for none. I can chime in both worlds yet be apart of none. I'm as fragile as autumn leaf cracking underneath the tones of the cold winter breath around the corner. Pain needs to validate life as our fleeting moments of happiness tend to expire without a moment's notice. It makes the bloom much more impactful when we try to grow from the ashes of yesterday's tragedy. So I held the fragile you who couldn't make it through the winter in hopes of seeing you blossom when the frigid wind relinquishes it's assault. Hum my favorite song if I fail to make it through this unforgiving tundra so it can keep me company wherever this season carries me
I'm outrunning the image of you that grasps onto me. I can't even persuade the birds to sing without your presence. The songs we claimed as ours seem to fall to a flat note unable to resuscitate into my favorite hook. My favorite restaurant serves me my childhood dish as it was robbed with all flavor. My hand traverses throughout the empty sheets hoping to collide into your fingers mindlessly in the early hours where my soul refuses to join my rampant thoughts. I keep refreshing every app I own , wanting to see your name pop up even if it keeps my existence in limbo. You've taken all the color from me...no you stole my colors. I gave it to you like a fool for I once thought we would paint the world with our footsteps. I can't outrun you for the biggest memento of you is this unwavering heart calling for you even if your desires wash it out with lust
You've seeped into my head like a virus. I refuse to cure it for I may fall apart without your inner essence. We locked into each other in the still of night pretending to be the answer to each other's problems. Little did we know that we were the venom to one another. I feel as though my skin is as numb as my heart yet I beg for another dose even if it might be fatal. I give in to this treachery knowing that I am my own victim. I touch your heart with my unrelenting darkness so wherever you are, you are imbued with the thought of my after image. As we lay here destroying the prestigious beings we were, temptation is overbearing like a screeching cry that cannot be tamed. No matter the number of interventions bestowed on us, we refuse to take the cure for hope. We reject it for we are venom
Trembling with remorse, I try and coarse you into looking into my eyes. Hollow to my voice, I echo back to myself . Hearts aren't in the best care with me but I do try yet I tend to spill them at a moment's notice. I'm so entrhalled with protecting my own , I don't risk holding another. This world was meant to break you, making me another crack in your glass castle. We weren't meant but I went with it anyway hoping by some mischievous forces that we would find light. But light can't be found if we are both blind no matter how much we fortify each other. It's time to open those weary eyes, so you can be whole again. My only wish is for you to begin with someone that can cradle you without care for themselves. You say you can wait yet I might be blind for eternity, refusing to even see the possibility of a new light over the horizon.
I've traveled as far as these battered sails would take me even if I threw everything I ever loved overboard to save myself from the weight of their sinking anchors. I might have amassed the richest of treasures but no amount feeds my hunger to replace what I once had. I buried my sorrows in money, flesh, even tried to deal my soul with the devil to become whole again. I stand here in the middle of the ocean so far and wide with remnants of the tides of lovers lost to ever growing waters bound to deaf ears. What I want is long gone but I intend to chase it with the last remaining will I have left. Anchors may bring the end of me as I deliver it to the sea. Let my last breath be known as I try to follow my treasures into the afterlife, perhaps I'd be lucky to even witness their existence once again.
We brought out the worst from each other creating monsters that bathed in red in our weakest times. I forgave you but I was unable to forget the things your monster would say to me that pierced even the strongest part of my will. It broke into a irreversible pain that could not even be remedied by the simple touch we so long ago prospered with. Our demons incubated in our fury waiting to unleash the next series of wrath onto one another. We are similar, almost mirror images of each other but perhaps that's why I can't continue this farce of a fairy tale we use in disguise for the war that we declare back and forth. If we fail to act, this world of ours will shatter down to the core ejecting us into a space unreachable by the help we would scream for internally. I wish I could change your heart but then again I don't want to wish for the best version of you, I want that to be your wish. And so as you lay here in a angelic slumber, I write to you a simple goodbye and I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. If you simply can't....... then let your demon destroy the remaining fragments of our bond even if I stitched it with the last ounce of love I had left to pour in it.- Jayzakh
I can't sleep as it seems as though I took a red eye every night for the past year. I feel like this isn't the time zone I belong in. Even my own breath in the morning hours feel like a foreign language that I can't even grasp no matter how many times it repeats phrases. I feel that we have become pen pals in the worst possible way. I swear that I felt your skin at one moment in this fleeting youth trying to defy time with it's energy and might. Now all I feel when I embrace you is scales that cause me to hesitate each time you lay your fingers on me. You say there's something wrong with me every time I do not beckon to your cries for me to regress in who I was when you met me. For you, that is the best part of me....the only version of me you desire. I tried to be that person to keep you from dropping an anchor full of guilt on my hull trying to sink me. Baby, I can't be who I was anymore and I know it'll kill you to hear that so I let a silent painful chuckle to appease your heart knowing one day it'll tear me open so much that even what's leftover of me will feel like a relic you need to erase with another - Jayzakh
I have become tethered to this non stop pain of mine. I can't stop bringing myself to feel this because knowing this pain reminds me what I felt like when I thought they only happened in tragic Shakespearean plays. These eyes of mine have lost their magic and I feel like I should lay what hope I have down and let it sink into the ground never to sprout with life again. I pitch myself with situations which would bring me a smile on my doorstep. Where do I go if I leave this orb? For a far as my eyes can see lay vast lands of darkness unforgiving to exploration. I know I must leave this spotlight that protects me from the unknown but I'd like to revel in the ecstasy in pain just a bit longer