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Last weekend, I went to a spontaneous music gathering that my dad invited me to. He was eager to hand me the sign-up list. These musicians were pure talent- I mean, Carnegie Hall talent. But in an intimate, back-yard setting. Most of them were playing originals which felt divine… because I have been waiting for the moment to share mine with my Dad in person for the first time. I was nervous, cuz I am not nearly as "skilled" as the people playing, but also excited. I also hadn't sung or played these songs for months because of my injury, and who knows how I was going to sound. The songs are deeply personal to me.. The moment revealed itself without warning and I knew I had to step in. I was the last performance of the night, and the audience was so beautifully attentive as I shared my stories and my 3 songs. Afterwards, many people were coming up to me with such beautiful feedback… but LM only cared about feedback from one person. LM wanted to make my Dad proud. I tried really hard to not make that my intention. But, it just happened. Cuz LM. And, I could feel that he was proud of me… But his feedback was, "It was good, you should've played a classic rather than an original though… and you need to get real guitar lessons, not just from Brian." I felt LM shrink. The familiar feeling arose... of the way I created a sensational situation in my mind with an unrealistic expectation to end up feeling disappointed. It's a painful addiction. The "ugh" feeling, followed with the "C'mon meryl, you know this is how it goes. What did you expect? For him to actually tell you he was proud? He's limited, remember?" The next morning, I played for him a Father's Day song on my guitar that I wrote for him. He was looking at his phone while I performed it at our kitchen table. I felt so unseen that I could barely even play the chords or remember the lyrics. I beat myself up after, telling myself I should've demanded more attention. But I was scared to. I knew deep down he was listening, but maybe it felt too intimate and vulnerable to give me his direct eye contact. My heart feels for him. Later on⬇️


17

If my spiritual journey were divided into different chapters, the chapter I’m in right now would be the “bratty teenager chapter”. I’ve been thru the positive mindset 24/7 chapter. Ive been through the “grind your ass off chapter”. I’ve been through the “surrender to literally everything, all is pure ease” chapter. I’ve been through the darkness and intense struggle chapter (this chapter kinda repeats itself between every other chapter). And now I’m in the bratty teenager chapter. I get annoyed that the system is this way and I try to rebel. Often. I scream to my mom, “I’m not designed for this planet! Wah wah rawr rawr!” I steal my moms makeup (and whatever else I want) on days when I feel like it (see pictured above). I wana sleep til noon every day. I don’t wana work a job, damnit! I barely go to yoga classes anymore cuz each time I’m like, “Don’t tell me what to do!” I jus wana chill and do *MY* fucking thing! 😂 I let myself throw irrational tantrums (I threw myself on the floor last night and had a kicking/ screaming fit when I realized I forgot an essential ingredient at the grocery store). The biggest difference between this bratty teenager chapter and the one I was in my actual teens is I’m consciously allowing myself to feel these things. I’m *with* myself as I act them out. I feel everything to it’s entirety and my bratty fits pass in 3 minutes. Yeah, it’s a little irrational seeming at times. I didn’t choose this chapter it is just kinda happening and I’m rolling with it. It’s probably entirely related to being home again with family- puts me back, alright. Of course I come home to my “higher self” in between the noise... (That’s a disclaimer to try and make sure you still like me. Cuz when I was a teen I wanted everyone to like me.) Maybe this chapter will be over soon. Who knows. That’s where I am at. What chapter are you in? 😂📕📗📘📙#chaptersoflife #spiritualjourney #brattyteenchronicles #hereandnow


14

The areas in which we tend to "disassociate" from are the areas in which need us (our loving awareness) the most. Makes sense… right? This can show up in many ways- for example, the one pose we tend to avoid doing in a yoga class. That pose we avoid is most likely the area of our body that is holding emotional blockages- and therefore the one we deserve to explore the most. I've been practicing yoga for 8 years and honestly only truly internalized this concept like a week ago lol (even tho I've heard it a bajillion times). Lately, I have been rubbing up against A LOT of childhood wounding. I mean, being back home kind of does that… it's been intense. I am beginning to notice when I am disassociating. My mind kind of goes blank, I feel confused, I go into doubt, I feel anxious, or maybe I feel numb, cloudy, inadequate. This happens for example in situations where I feel l won't be seen or accepted for who I am. When I notice these sensations, I often get frustrated. Like, how can I feel so CLEAR, tuned in, turned on, juicy, alive, eloquent- when I am around people who SEE ME, and then I feel like a fuckin disassociated fog-ball around people who "don't?"… Again- like yoga, the area's in which I disassociate are the areas which need me the most… and so I began to view this familiar sensation of "losing myself" as my opportunity to gently and lovingly explore- like I do in pigeon pose or a forward fold. So, the initial sensation of disassociation is no longer my source of frustration- it's my cue. My cue to tune in with LM. I am still in exploration mode- but what has been coming up for me as I sit with my inner child during those moments is this: "I feel afraid to be seen as who I truly am, even though that's what I want the most. So I try to hide while also trying to leave my body.. talk about confusing." So today, I did something outside of my comfort zone for LM. I talked to my boss at the law office I just started working at, and I showed him a piece of who I truly am that I usually hide from people in the "real world". I expressed to him that I am a Reiki practitioner and have intuitive, channelling, and psychic abilities (yes, this is part of me I am ⬇️


7

I’ve been contemplating how to respond to a certain situation in my life- where someone I love said some things to me that hurt to the core. Of course, being the tots spiritual awakened high level consciousness enlightened AF person that I am (dis a joke), I can’t help but have compassion towards where this other person is coming from, seeing the source of the wounds they’re acting from, and doing my best to not personalize. BUT, I’m still a human. And in the past I’d use these spiritual concepts to let people walk right over me. I’d use these concepts as a bypass/excuse to not speak up. So like I was saying, I’ve been contemplating how I want to respond to this person- should I speak up? Should I let it be? And I will say this- we are all at different phases in our journey so if one person was in this situation their highest path might be to walk away. But for another person, their highest path may be to stand up for them selves or speak their Truth. So I was like, which is my highest path? What shall I do? And then I got the download that made everything click and gave me my answer immediately. And the download said, check in with LM (little Meryl) and ask her what she needs in this situation. Ask LM how she needs for you to show up for her. And then all the sudden, I felt myself transform into a powerful lioness ready to pounce and protecting her cub (LM) and I knew exactly what I needed to do. And the idea of doing it went from feeling scary to becoming a no brainer. This girl means everything to me. LM, ima show up for you again and again, however you need. Ima fight for you, ima protect you, ima make sure you feel safe. Ima speak up for you when you need to be heard. Ima walk away with you when we need to. Ima do whatever it takes. Because I love you. And when I tune into your needs, my primal yet spiritually guided instincts Know exactly what I need to do for you, sweet girl. Thank you for being here to keep me accountable and give me the strength to show up again and again, and again and again. Thank you for forgiving me in the moments I forget. It’s getting easier and easier each day. I love you. 💓🐯⚡️


12

This granola tastes like poor boundaries.

‘Twas only yesterday, that I ran into the local health food store for one item
But I became side tracked when a sweet little woman asked me, “Would you like to try some?”
I looked at her table, decorated with cute granola sample cups
I asked her, “Did you make this??” And she replied, “Yup!”
I decided to try some, even though my mouth was parched and I wasn’t in the mood for dry oats and seeds
And the flavor didn’t turn me on too much either, I was just trying to do a good deed
She asked me if I’d like to buy some, and I nodded guiltily, “Sure!” as my body said NO.
I didn’t want to make her feel rejected after eating a sample of her beloved cereal.
So it’s now morning, and I’ve poured myself a bowl
Thinking, maybe I’ll be in the mood now, let’s give it a go
But all I taste is poor boundaries and a guilty $13’s sold
And that’s the story of how an innocent trip to grab some ACV is forcing me to grow
Could it have gone differently if I had just told the truth?
‘Hey lady, I love what you’re doin, but at this moment I’m not in the mood’
I could’ve remembered that saying “no” doesn’t mean I’m being rude
It’s as simple as that, dude.
All in all, here’s a good little reminder that there’s no harm in being real
Saying how ya truly feel
And if others don’t like it, they can fuckin deal.
And that’s all- thanks for listening to my granola schpeel.
#granola101 #granoladiaries #boundaries #granolaismyguru #thankyousamplecuplady


9

The first time I met Brian, I heard him play his music and I fell in love. I said to him a potent phrase that we had not yet understood the depth or power of. A simple sentence that sparked a flame and became an intention/mantra throughout many of our days together since. It was, "The World Deserves to Hear Your Song". It carried an energetic power that drew me into the music and made me a singer, drove us to record an album, perform 7 nights a week in a foreign paradise. It became our duty. We felt that were doing the world a disservice to NOT share. Over time, a pressure began to build. The pressure… of the world. The world that "needed our gifts" so badly. We would look at our videos through the eyes of the viewer, rather than the lens of our own Heart. We would post it and then wait for the feedback. And I Do still believe the world deserves all of our gifts to be shared. But more recently, a shift has occurred within me- and I've noticed it showing up specifically in the way I post. When I used to go to write a post, I would ask myself, "What do people need to hear?" I would base my posts around that question/intention. What this question did, was put a sort of silent pressure on others in my own mind- to respond. To approve. To give me feedback. When I am posting from an intention of the "other", then this reinforces the people pleasing tendencies within me- for the other to respond to me in a certain way. Lately, my intention has shifted to this: "What do *I* need to hear?" " What heals ME on the way out?" This simple shift has been very rewarding for me. Because as the cliche statement says, "When we heal ourselves, we heal the world." I have noticed that when I share what heals myself, that it is still what others "need" to hear, but in a more authentic, heart-centered, resonant way. I recently was hired by one of my mentors to be their social media "coach" or I'd like to say "encourager". The groundwork of what I instruct and encourage him to base his posts upon is this: "What heals YOU on the way out? THAT is how you will know what to share. When we post based on what "others" need, we frame ourselves as the Guru and the world as broken.⬇️


11

The other day, I was chillen with myself in nature reflecting on how much i fuggin *LOVE* being alone. I imagined for a moment that someone else was with me, and I felt a feeling of pressure come over me. Like, when someone else is around, even if they're not asking anything of me, or aren't even in the same ROOM as me, I feel this constriction and this pressure just knowing they're there. I reflected on how as humans we are social beings who need connection… and deep down we all truly crave it. I noticed that I don't feel this pressure or anxiety around other living things like trees, or my pets (even when my pets want to be pet, fed, or are "needy" in any way, I still don't feel this pressure.) So why does this feeling come up around humans? It's damn exhausting.

Here's da deal. Just being around other people can create anxiety for us if as children we were forced to abandon ourselves to show up for others in a certain way. Many of us were shamed for feeling certain things, acting a certain way, and made "wrong". Love often felt *conditional*; In order to be "loved", we had to be, do, act a certain way. For many of us, we got shamed out of our authentic feelings and way of being early enough that now, just another HUMAN BEING around us becomes a Trigger for us to have to adjust our behavior and abandon ourselves, ESPECIALLY if that person's subtle energy field has similar traits to those of our "perpetrators" or root humans. So, obviously theres some fucking pressure when human connection basically comes to mean death of self. We become masters at reading and monitoring other people's energy fields and states so that we can show up as the perfect person in order to feel safe- to not be "wrong", "bad", create conflict in any way. This. Is. Exhausting. We wonder why we "lose ourselves" so easily around others not realizing that we have already abandoned ourselves for them whether they wanted us to do that or not. We need to reset and come back to our own energy field after social gatherings, many of us for days. As much as we want to feel like this is normal and we just have "social anxiety" or are just "introverts", its NOT fully the truth.⬇️


53

I used to (and sometimes still do) get frustrated with my body for being so GD sensitive to fcking *everything*. I’ve often thought there was something wrong with me. I wished I could be “normal” and “handle life” like other people who r fine working stressful jobs and eating/doing crazy shit while meanwhile my body literally wouldn’t let me eat a non-organic grape for fuckzsakes. I noticed the intensity even more-so when I left Maui and came back to the Mainland. The grid here is more intense no doubt bout it. The energetic unease is felt and there’s so much more inertia behind the programs. I know this as Truth though: Being sensitive doesn’t mean you’re weak or inept at handling life it literally means you’re fucking IN TUNE and most deeply *Aligned with Source*. Your body and it’s connection to Source literally won’t let you do shit, eat shit, be around shit, people, situations that don’t serve you and your highest good. #helloautoimmunediseases I know it can feel intense and annoying sometimes when all you want is that donut. But trust me, It’s a blessing. It seems the world is stacked against us sensitives but the Truth is we not only need but deserve to set healthy boundaries and build our lives in a way that serves us so we can break the inertia of self-destruction and carve a new pathway, build a new earth that serves our needs for generations to come. Yes. When we release the stories of something being “wrong” with us and realize we are on the leading edge of everything that is Healthy and Right, we smash the matrix in half. It creates new codes. A new way of living, a new way of being. We r spearheading the new earth and our sensitivities are our compasses. So; let us LISTEN, let us HONOR, let us create The New Earth. 🌎🌷🌱✨🦋🔮#thenewearth #leadersoflight #lightworker #create #path #spiritual #awakening #healing #boundaries #honor #wisdom


55

Week 2 of staying at Dad’s, doing the every-other-week-Mom-Dad-thing I spoke of a few posts ago. Tonight I stopped at my moms to grab some things and I told my dad I stopped at “home” to grab things and he responded quickly, “and this isn’t home?” ::becomes tongue-tied:: I’m staying in a room that’s half-office/half-bike room with a bed in it and I’m living out of my suitcase and feel I don’t know where to situate myself, physically and nonphysically, which is totally understandable because just over a month ago I was in Maui with no trace of coming here whatsoever. So I’ve spontaneously ambushed my family, lol. And everyone’s welcoming me with open arms and creating space for me the best they can without getting a warning. It’s clear to me and to them that I’m “different” now. Or maybe just more truly myself, but not the version of myself they ever knew until now. It’s like we’re all meeting for the first time in a lot of ways. And I’m still figuring out how to integrate my “new” self here. Its easy to be yourself when everyone’s dancing naked on the beach and life is one big magical ceremony and everyone loves everyone and everything. We can stay in that world our whole lives and have a blast. But like Ram Dass says, “You think your evolved? Go spend a weekend with your family”. 😝Some peeps are meant to stay with their soul fam clan in this lifetime. And some are meant to bring it and integrate it into the “real” world which is a great test and opportunity. Finally my Dad shared some of his side of the story with me... you know, the divorce, stories from his perspective, it felt like a shock to the system. Its a lot. But this is partly what I came here for. To understand. And sometimes understanding means shattering an entire world view and grieving what you thought you knew. Also when I’m around him I feel at a loss for words. Like I don’t know how to speak. I kind of turn into an awkward mute and my mind goes blank. I feel like don’t have anything to talk to him about and expressed to me that he doesn't know what to talk to me about either/doesn’t understand me. Like at all. lol. So at least it’s mutual. And all I can say back in my tongue tied state is,⬇️


42

Some may think that shifting from self-healing to becoming the "healer" means having moved through much of the "work"… HA!… The work has only just begun. Ready to come face to face with some blind spots? Embark on the journey to becoming a "healer", a "teacher", or a "guide"… and you'll be revealed to yourself once more. (PS- I have an aversion to identifying with the word "healer"- because I believe we don't heal others, we simply hold space for them to heal themselves)

I have recently been humbled by some ego-trap experiences I've faced now that I am giving sessions.

Since March, I have been offering about 3 distance Reiki sessions a week. Some weeks 5, some weeks 2… u get da jist. I’d wanted to offer distance Reiki for awhile but wasn't confident in myself. I only ever gave in person sessions mostly to friends and family. Some indescribable moments happened during some sessions, and my supporters were encouraging me to expand upon it. But.. the self doubt thing.. I mean, I have been surrounded by incredibly gifted mentors who could literally touch my stomach and tell me what is going on in my organs, what is going on in my energy field, the name of my dead uncle… I mean wtf?! When they told me that I have the same abilities they do (and that it's part of my mission here on earth), I laughed!

So I began by asking my best friend who lives in Maine (quite far from Maui) if shed be open to a distance Reiki session so I could practice. And truly, our session was nothing short of Magical. It was affirming so I shared on my Instagram that I would be offering sessions and ppl actually responded! I was nervous for my first session with a 'stranger', but once I tuned in, it felt effortless and natural. Downloads came, I could feel her as if she was in the room, and I allowed the healing energy to flow through me. Afterwards, she shared that she had been skeptical going in but that she felt a profound impact from the session, and many of the things we shared that came up you literally can't make up. It was wild!

Nearly every session since then has been uniquely powerful/profound. I mean, the fact that I could feel what was going on inside peoples body's,⬇️⬇️


36

Whenever I get caught up in old programs of codependency, I try to remind myself that every person has their Own direct line to Higher Power. And that Higher Power ain't me. They have their Guides. They have an Army of Angels and Light-Beings surroundin’ them. They are equally supported and Sovereign as any other Human being.

About 5 years ago I was running my own little business (seems like another life- I have reinvented myself many times haha), and had over a hundred people who I was leading. I struggled greatly with trusting that these people were able to do things on their own. I also didn't want to see these people fall on their face or "fail", and I would try to baby them in order to prevent that from happening, very unsuccessfully. I would micromanage them and ultimately most wouldn't find success for obvious reasons that I can see now. They either felt suffocated, or they became dependent on me and never grew the strength or skills they needed to succeed or feel truly Empowered. If I were to start another business like that one, I would lovingly let people fall on their faces and learn. I would empower, and not enable. I would infuse my belief and Trust into them, knowing that they are intelligent, capable, sovereign beings. Of course I would be of support and guidance, but from this new empowered perspective.

This practice has helped me immensely in my relationship with Brian. There are many times where I just 'know' for a fact that I am right, or what is best for him to do in certain situations 😝but, I gently remind myself that he has his own Guidance system. This letting go and creating space energetically is pure magic. As I surrender, I witness as he comes into his power and makes the most Empowered decision without me needing to do a thing or say a word. And then I find, that sometimes (just sometimes), he was right and I wasn't. 😛

I am not a mother, but I'd imagine parenting from this perspective could be life changing. I remember @yoga_girl talking bout this- how she had this debilitating fear that something bad was going to happen to her newborn daughter. Then, she took on this perspective, that her baby girl had her own Higher Power,⬇️


22

My 10 day trip home turned into indefinite. Brian landed in NJ yesterday. Since I've been home I.... got a new car, got a new job, got a new haircut (13 inches BAI), a new kitten, am living at my dads for the first time, surrendering 24/7, healing my voice, crying, laughing, swimming in the fucking mystery. Everything has changed, and I was in no way expecting any of this. From living in my own gorgeous 2 bedroom home w/ my beloved, supporting ourselves with music in paradise, to living in my parents house (back and forth between mom&dads house), working a job (something I vowed to never do again), driving past same old landmarks I saw growing up. This all began with a vocal injury. A relentless one. It forged me into a completely different direction and here I am, humbled daily. I will say that though I experience occasional and very valid bouts of grief, anxiety, & frustration, overall I feel at peace in my body. Realizing how much things had become a force after the injury. Accepting that it ultimately wanted me to come home and I resisted to the bitter end because of everything we'd built. Reconnecting with my family again in a new way. Resting a lot (& *giving myself permission* to). Taking next level measures to heal my voice. Working a new job that provides me with some structure and grounds me (for a boutique law firm; it synchronistically fell into my lap (through my dads friend) and made no sense as I wasn't "looking" for this but it felt good in my belly so I said yes- and my job is basically to run the behind the scenes of the business- mailing checks, paying bills, organizing invoices, creating contracts, managing trust accounts (looking at big numbers$ like that makes me feel abundant) & other important "law thangz", and it feels that I am learning something important here for the next phase;perhaps when I launch my own business.)

I grieved for the first few weeks home, feeling as though I've digressed or failed. As I zoom out I see I've come here to clean up some family karma and ground/heal before I take off into the next phase of my journey. Something important is happening but I'm too in the midst of it to fully understand what. I will say,⬇️


36

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