The Onion@theonion

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The Onion

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“I don’t get why they designed it like this,” said father of three Tom Rutledge of the four-story, mid-priced accommodations. “Where the hell is the elevator? It took me five minutes just to find the goddamn vending machine. And for Christ’s sake, why are the ice machines only on every other floor? I swear this place is like one of [Rutledge’s 15-year-old son] Evan’s crazy posters with the stairs going everywhere. I mean, for 115 bucks a night, you’d think you’d get decent signage, at least.” #TheOnion


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Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like


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“It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the quick thinking and multi-tasking abilities that I’ve demonstrated during this internship will be invaluable to president Trump when I’m serving as his secretary of state,” said Fox News intern Hattie Butler, who reassured herself that if she paid her dues by delivering the correct beverages, she would eventually earn the right to determine U.S. policies toward foreign powers and navigate complex diplomatic issues that might place the world at the brink of war. #TheOnion


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National News Highlights


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“I’m a little anxious that this sixth movie is just going to a big, loud, moronic waste of time,” said moviegoer Marc Davis, who shared his opinion that the trailer for the new movie made it seem like a dumbed-down version of the previous five installments. “Of course I was excited when it was first announced, but the more that comes out about it, the more it seems like unnecessary retreading of old themes and familiar characters. I’m trying to keep my hopes up, but I can’t help but think they’ll go for cheap thrills and flashy action sequences instead of really approaching these mechanized humanoid aliens with anything approaching nuance.” #TheOnion


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L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars


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This Weekend's Onion Magazine


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Visit theonion.com to see more from the standard bearer of global journalism.


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‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave


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“Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save a life, this dog is not only in blatant violation of medical standards but has been conducting a de facto illegal medical practice, which we cannot condone,” Judge Marlena Peters said during the dog’s sentencing, clarifying that Kuma’s clear lack of medical education, certification, or experience posed a potential danger to those around him, and that his masquerade as a medical professional was deeply insulting to licensed doctors and nurses everywhere. “The fact that this dog’s diagnosis happened to be correct in this isolated case does not absolve him of the crime of fraudulent practice. We must eradicate any and all dogs who practice medicine illegally in order to ensure standards within the medical community are maintained.” #TheOnion


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