Ughh don’t you hate being stuck in a mood? You don’t even know why you feel the way you do, you just wake up and everything feels just a bit more difficult. People around you are being absolutely wonderful but you don’t even know why your face can’t form a smile, and when you do, it feels uncomfortable. You repeat positive thoughts, mantras, affirmations, anything to yourself, trying to pull yourself out of this cloudy ineffable sadness, but it doesn’t work(!!!!!). Days pass and your heart just seems to get heavier and heavier.
And suddenly one day, one moment, something someone says, or something that you randomly think clicks, and you grasp onto the feeling because it finally feels good...oh please stay, ray of sunshine, please stay...and you hoist yourself out of the hellhole of negativity that you put yourself in.
It’s been getting hard sometimes to snap out of it, to feel happy when I feel helpless and when progress feels so far away. I’ve been trying to only write about the wonderful highs since it has been a therapy for myself as well, to help me conquer my own mind, but fuck dude, it’s been getting really hard.
For those who have been following my journey before the accident, you know that I have actually been struggling with anxiety, depression, and PTSD for many years, and this near death experience has just jolted in me, almost a desperate desire to finally fully overcome it.
I just have to remind myself as hard as fucking possible every day, every shitty second why I’m lucky, how much I am loved, and find all the little things to give myself the strength to heal, mentally, emotionally, and of course, physically. #tiffaniesepiphanies